LETTER | I used to think that suicide was a sign of weakness or a cry for attention. But then a friend of mine told me that he flirts with the idea of suicide regularly and now I have changed my mind.
I have this friend who is a stand-up guy. He was having a hard time for a bunch of reasons not too long ago, and it stressed him out so much that you could see the stress oozing out of him and affecting his appearance and expression, although he was such a stand-up guy, that he could still control himself and not let it spill it out through his actions.
At one point, however, around the time when the pandemic was over, I noticed that the stress in him had reduced and a long-lost peace seemed to have returned to him.
Throughout a few meetups, I would learn the reason why. It was not because he had his problems sorted out, but because he had come to the decision that if it gets too hard, he is just going to “sign out”, if you know what I mean.
Now like I said, my friend is a solid guy, so when he said that he has decided that at some point, if he can’t take it anymore, he is going to “sign out”, this wasn’t a cry for attention – he wasn’t telling it to me because he wanted me to help him out – he was just telling it to me as it is.
It was only when a friend of mine that I respected and thought highly of, told me that he has and is still contemplating suicide as a way of coping with life, that I became more inclined to discard the view that suicide is a sign of weakness and a desperate call for attention but come to understand that life indeed can break down even the strongest amongst us.
Humans are hardwired to pursue happiness, but unlike animals, just eating, sleeping and frolicking about is not enough to provide us with happiness – we also need to see ourselves in a certain light, or at least, believe that we will someday be able to become the person that we desire to be, to be happy. If for some reason, we don’t think that we can ever be that person, we will not see the point of living any longer.
I suppose there are a lot of reasons why we will come to the conclusion that we will never be happy and all that life has to offer us is more and more suffering.
Sometimes the problem is ourselves, but sometimes it is also because of what is happening around us. Often, it is both.
If just one of those is the problem, the other can be counted on to go the extra mile to fix the problem.
When both are the problem, then they might reinforce the flaws in each other and cause us to get caught in a downward spiral, that will make it seem that happiness is impossible to achieve in the future, and the only thing that lies between now and the future is just more and more suffering and pain.
The cold hard truth is that sometimes this might not be an unreasonable assumption. When you see a healthy person become very sick to the point that their life is totally upended, realistically speaking, what are the chances that they will ever be able to become the person that they have always wanted to be?
What can you tell them to make them believe that they are not so broken that they have completely lost themselves, and with time, whatever that ails them will heal, and they will once again be able to find themselves and become whole enough to be able to pursue happiness once again?
When someone has spent their entire life dreaming of making enough money to lead a good life but one day, they lose all of their hard-earned money in a scam and find themselves mired in such deep debt, that they are unlikely to pay off all their debt even if they spend the rest of their life trying to pay it back, what do you tell them to make them believe that happiness still lies in their future?
Stigma
Recently, Chan Quin Er, the MCA information chief, has seconded the view of Dr Hazli Zakaria, who, through his article in The Star, has called for the stigma surrounding suicide to be broken.
Suicide is not a sign of weakness - it is a sign of suffering, and everyone, even the ones we believe to be the strongest amongst us, are vulnerable to suffering.
We are the most important and valuable thing we know of in the entire universe. When something happens to us in a way that causes us to “lose ourselves”, even the Superman amongst us is liable to feel that life has no meaning, purpose or worth.
To be honest, I have serious doubts as to whether anyone can do anything to prevent anyone who is truly contemplating suicide from discarding their suicidal ideation.
I honestly think there is a limit to how much relief we can provide to a person who is suffering by merely understanding their suffering – just understanding that a person is starving will not relieve their hunger.
I do believe that The Beatles were right in that sometimes, we don't need to solve each one of our problems to see the worth of life - sometimes, "We can get by, with just a little help from our friends. "Be kind, for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle indeed."
When people have so lost themselves that they are unable to see any value in their lives anymore, valuing them in their stead might just be enough to help them value themselves, to get through their darkest hour.
We might not be able to prevent any suicidal ideation from occurring in a person or cause a person to discard their suicidal ideation once it enters their heart and mind, but as Syrio Forel says in the “Game of Thrones”, when Death comes knocking on someone’s door, we can help them reply: “Not today."
Chan and Hazli are right - let us break the stigma and taboo against suicide, recognise that suicidal thoughts can occur to anyone and open ourselves up to be the sort of person that someone we hold dear can depend on to stand by them during their darkest days.
The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of Malaysiakini.
