FREE COMMENT I have been following the pace of events that suggests there is a move to ban or declare illegal certain activities in this country because we are no longer sensitive to others' feelings. I am now fully convinced that our moral guardians are acting in our best interest because we are weak of faith and morals.

So, being a good citizen who is ever ready to assist the politicians to discharge their very heavy workload, I have compiled a list of things that we should ban and the reasons for doing so:

1) Thaipusam - because the chariot procession causes chaos in certain parts of Kuala Lumpur, Penang and Johor Bahru at 3am and parading Hindu deities on our streets may offend some people's sensitivities and this should not be tolerated.

2) Hungry Ghost festival - we definitely do not want to feed the ‘syaitans’ and encourage belief in the supernatural. Furthermore, it too may offend some people's sensitivities.

3) Bars and pubs - there is already a move to ban them in some parts of Malaysia, I think. Instead of making it a district-based ban, as we are a country that believes in fairness, I propose that all bars and pubs that serve foreign alcohol be banned. In this way, some people with weak faith shall not be tempted to imbibe.

But here we must exempt the ‘tapai’ sellers because they don't offend our sensitivities. Unlike Chivas and VSOP, the alcohol in ‘tapai’ is locally made and therefore perfectly tolerable as it will promote SMIs (small-minded investors).

4) Astro - there is unnecessary truth and transparency portrayed on this satellite TV. Besides, channels like CNN and BBC, with their decadent sense of independence, do not meet the high journalistic standards of local media reporting where the people are daily told what is necessary and what is right for them.

5) Facebook - because this application is owned by a Zionist who reportedly ‘locked out’ a past Malaysian leader, and perhaps plotting to topple a current one by meddling in Malaysian affairs with his Jewish capitalist friends and backed by the Christians.

6) Cone-shaped ice-cream - because the way people lick the ice-cream is totally disgusting and may hurt some people's sensitivities. In fact, it may even encourage people to engage in oral sex in a country where such acts are never practised by sensitive people.

7) The image of KLCC - because the shape of the towers is phallic looking and may hurt the sensitivities of some people whose faith is weak. Besides two phallic images next to each other may tempt the morally weak to engage in homosexual activities.

8) Hindu/Chinese/Buddhist temples - because these shrines tend to carry statues or idols that may hurt the sensitivities of certain people. Besides, if these places of worship are torn down, then people who go to pray there will no longer park their cars indiscriminately all over public roads and cause a general inconvenience to other road users on a weekly basis.

9) Women's tennis - because the dressing of these athletes is too revealing and may hurt the sensitivities of some people. They will be, however, allowed to be seen/shown if we could persuade the ladies to wear track-bottoms under their skirts so that people of weak faith may not be tempted to commit rapes after watching these games.

10) Men's wrestling (‘gusti’) - because watching two or more grown men in tight leotards/underpants grapple each other may lead us to engage in homosexual activities. Besides, we should not turn our back on such public display of groping as it would hurt the sensitivities of some people.

11) Bak kut teh - well, it should have been long ago banned simply because it was the centre of some insensitivities recently. Besides, people whose faith is weak may be tempted to take mushroom during fasting season.

12) Public swimming pools - obviously having dozens of semi-naked people in one place can only mean that they will be tempted to engage in sexual orgies and we cannot have this in a morally righteous country like Malaysia. Surely we cannot have 78 percent of MPPJ/DBKL officers stationed in such places to arrest indecent bathers.

13) Opposition parties - the BN government has taken good care of Malaysians since independence. Why waste taxpayers money on the lame-duck opposition MPs who cannot do much anyway. We should be grateful to the government for it has wonderful rakyat-centric policies.

14) Indian Muslim restaurants - besides the vernacular schools where potential DAP and Hindraf members are groomed, I think this is where most PKR and PAS supporters meet to hatch plans to topple the government democratically. A word of caution, calling these ‘mamak’ shops can land you a sedition charge.

15) International schools - these places breed future intellectuals who will speak English well and possess high IQs. They will be a danger to our society of underachievers where we can always adjust the passing mark to meet national aspirations.

Imagine if we were a society that was based on meritocracy - oh no, it will never work here as this type of liberated thinking will only support the opposition cause.

16) Ipomoea aquatica - ah, got you there, didn't I? This vegetable's name has been used in vain and it's such a bad word now that we can even charge the user with sedition. Therefore ban this vegetable so that nobody can use this word to describe a certain hardworking politician in Malaysia.

While at it, ban the word ‘yellow’ also, because it's an unclean word used to fool the people into doing the right things and hurt the sensitivity of those who don't.

17) Condoms - this is a product of Zionist capitalism and it will literally enter your body without you realising it, especially the super fine types. When Astro, pubs and bars are banned, the people can devote their time towards fulfilling the population target of 70 million. In other words, let us screw ourselves properly...

18) The letter ‘C’ and number ‘4' - because we are a nation whose students get some 17,000 straight As in every major examinations and about 120,000 Bs. So we have no use for the letter C.

The number 4 can mean ‘death’ in Cantonese and because we are sensitive to the feelings of the Cantonese people, we should avoid using this number. Because Malaysians these days don't have a good command of a second or third language, we may translate these words/numbers wrongly and ‘blow’ it out of proportion.

19) Sepak takraw - because we are now behind Myanmar in this sport. Most Myanmar people only heard of this game when they came to work in Malaysia. Now they can soundly "sepak" Malaysia.

To respect the feelings of the people who once used to reign supreme in this game, it's best that nobody plays this game so that we can proudly say we came sixth in the next Asian games even though we don't play it anymore.

In Malaysia, we should be proud that we can consistently lower standards to meet national expectations. After all, there are some 42 other universities that fare worse than Universiti Malaya in the world’s top 250.

20) MIC - well, might as well, anyway, since they represent an insignificant minority. I think there is another Indian party that says it has more members. Either way, both are immaterial.

RAMESH RAJARATNAM is a Malaysia watcher and the above are his personal views. Any reference to a living person is purely coincidental.