SATIRE I am truly disgusted to have discovered only recently that I have been consuming non-halal food from Auntie Anne’s. Little did I know that its Pretzel Dog actually contained dog in it. I can only leave my redemption in the hands of God now.

I have also unknowingly consumed dog and drank beer for decades at one of my favourite fast food joint - A&W. I have been frequenting their establishment since I was a kid. I guess my parents were duped too all this while.

I may not be able to go back in time and uneat all the non-halal food that I have been fooled into eating. But at least, now, with the wonderful work done by the religious authorities and consumer associations, our future generations will be safe.

Since we are already on the subject, I would like to bring the authorities’ attention to other dishes that have been so frequently served in Malaysia without any of us ever thinking twice that they could ever be non-halal.

1. Kuih Puteri Mandi

This is a traditional east coast kuih from Terengganu. I think it should be declared non-halal because it is wrong to eat another human being, what more someone who has royal blood. Also, she is bathing and would not be decently dressed.

2. Kuih Tahi Itik

This kuih comes from Kelantan and from the name itself, it is very clear that its base is from the droppings of ducks. In Islam, or any religion for that matter, faeces is considered ‘najis’ or filth. Hence, this kuih should immediately be declared non-halal.

3. Kuih Badak Berendam

Another kuih from Kelantan. I’m actually not sure if hippopotamuses are actually halal or not to eat. But it doesn’t matter. Just the thought of eating a big, fat hippo just sounds disgusting. So don’t ask too many questions. Please just make it non-halal...